I Wait for Your Word

"I hate the two-faced, but I love your clear-cut revelation. You're my place of quiet retreat; I wait for your Word to renew me. Get out of my life, evildoers, so I can keep my God's commands. Take my side as you promised; I'll live then for sure. Don't disappoint all my grand hopes. Stick with me and I'll be all right; I'll give total allegiance to your definitions of life. Expose all who drift away from your sayings; their casual idolatry is lethal. You reject earth's wicked as so much rubbish; therefore I lovingly embrace everything you say. I shiver in awe before you; your decisions leave me speechless with reverence." (Psalms 119:113-120 - from THE MESSAGE: The Bible in Contemporary Language © 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson. All rights reserved.)

I don't know if I would have understood this passage as well just a couple of days ago, but today I certainly understand at least part of it! I am needing to make decisions about how best to proceed toward a goal and am getting mixed signals from important people related to the decision. It is tempting to give in to discouragement and just quit, but I really feel God is calling me to do this in some way at this time. I just don't know the specific way to proceed given the mixed messages from those around me.  I long for and am searching this morning for God's clear-cut revelation!  I do NOT want to run ahead, nor do I want to lag behind.  I want to follow his lead, keeping time with his movements that we may dance gracefully together.  I can say in full confidence that I'm willing to do whatever He is leading me to do - I just need to be clear what that is!  So, this morning, Father, I indeed "wait for your Word to renew me". Please give me the clear guidance that I seek!  This morning, though I understand God's love for all and want to express that, I even understand the next sentence in this passage. "Get out of my life, evildoers, so I can keep my God's commands."  It's not that I hate those around me, but I need the clarity that is hard to get when I'm hearing mixed messages from those around me that have agendas of their own, so for that reason I want their influence removed so I can understand where to go from here.

As I re-read what I've written so far, I realize something else.  One of those "evildoers" is me - or rather, the fear rising within me.  It is getting in the way of hearing and obeying.  Father, please remove my fear as you have promised! Please fill me with your perfect love that I may fully trust you and let go of all fear.

As I read the sentence "Don't disappoint my grand hopes."  I realize that it is less a cry for help, and more a reminder to me that God can be trusted.  He is the foundation of my hope, so of course, my hopes will not be disappointed so long as I keep my eyes on Him! So long as He sticks with me, which He's promised to do, I do indeed know I'll be all right.  ("Lord, I believe, help though mine unbelief!" - Mark 9:24) My allegiance is indeed with Him and I know I want to follow His guidance.  Father, I DO ask that the agendas of those around me (and my own!) be exposed for what they are that I may more clearly see the correct path ahead.  I don't want to ignore guidance coming from those around me if YOU are using them as channels to speak to me, but I also don't want to by drawn away from the path YOU have set before me by voices that are not in alignment with YOUR will for me (whether mine or someone elses).  Father, please guide me!  You know how easy it is for me to allow fear to confuse me, or to stride forward thinking it is your way when it is not!  Please guide me! Keep my feet on your path for me and light my way as you have promised!

Before turning to today's passage in Psalms, the verses below had popped at me, so I copied them here to meditate on after I had read today's passage from Psalms 119.  At the time, I had not really had a sense of why these verses stood out to me.  I hadn't seen any particular relevance to the decisions I need to make today, but suddenly these verses seem very relevant indeed!

"Forget what happened in the past, and do not dwell on events from long ago.  I am going to do something new. It is already happening. Don't you recognize it? I will clear a way in the desert. I will make rivers on dry land." (Isaiah 43:18-19 - from GOD'S WORD Copyright © 1995 by God's Word to the Nations Bible Society. All rights reserved.)

I think these words may be God guiding me to ignore the negative voices that say that what I'm proposing won't work because it hasn't worked in the past.  Is that your meaning, Father?  Please direct my thoughts.  I don't want to misunderstand you!  Some of those events weren't so VERY long ago!  I have been told that there is just not support and willingness to come that far.  But, these verses speak of clearing a way in the desert and making rivers on dry land - suggesting to me that though the necessary people haven't been apparent, they will be there.  Is this your message to me, Father?  "It is already happening.  Don't you recognize it?" really stands out to me.  Father, I'm not sure I do recognize it!  If it's there, why am I not seeing it? What am I missing, Father!  Certainly, I would not be entertaining these ideas if someone hadn't suggested it, and I wouldn't have as clear an idea of how to proceed if I hadn't gotten some guidance from someone else.  Is that what you mean? With all the mixed messages I'm not as sure as I would like to be!  

I suddenly see something else in these verses.  Part of my fear about moving forward is based in fear of the politics involved.  I've had some very bad experiences with politics in the past - two in particular stand in my memory and make me fearful. And the mixed messages raise the red flag of the possibility of difficult politics to deal with. I REALLY don't want to go through anything like that again!  Father, it strikes me that perhaps this is also what you are speaking of through these words about things that happened long ago and how you're doing a new thing.  Please keep my mind stayed on you (Is 26:3) so that I can indeed forget about what happened in the past and focus on the new thing that you are creating for and through me now!  Thank you, Father!

As I continue to think about this, I realize something else.  If it weren't for the confusion, I might not have taken this time this morning to double-check these plans with my Heavenly Father.  Certainly I've been asking for His guidance all along, but until the mixed signals, I did not have my feet as firmly planted on solid ground as I will because of this morning's deep and heart-felt seeking.  Is that the reason for all this, Father?  I can see that it will be really important to be VERY clear about your guidance before moving forward.  This will make it easier to weather the inevitable challenges along the way.  It helps ensure I am in proper dance position with you so that I clearly understand Your lead into the next move!

Father, once again I humbly ask you to confirm your will for me in this.  I worry that I am misunderstanding you or that it is my own desire clouding the issue.  And yet, it wasn't until I was very clear that I was willing to do whatever you directed and that I really wasn't sure that I wanted to push forward in this that the passage spoke to me in this way.  Because of this, my inclination is to believe that I heard you correctly.  Father please stop these plans clearly and easily if this is not your will.  I realize as I once again think about the passage in James "But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering" (James 1:6), that part of my problem is that I haven't trusted you fully.  I know I want to follow your guidance, but have not had the faith that you will close the doors to ensure I do not move out of your will.  I ask you to do so, Father.  Please close any doors that you do not wish me to walk through at this time!  And yet I hear your voice from Revelation "Behold I have set before you an open door."(Rev. 3:8)  Father, I ask that you confirm your direction by speaking to my husband as well since this is a joint decision.  Thank you, Father! And Father, please remove my fear! I've seen you do it before, so I know you can do so.  I know you can give me peace that passes all understanding and I ask for that peace now!  Thank you, Father!