Sliding

This morning I woke up somewhat out of sorts.  Over the course of the last several days, frustration has been building because it seems so hard to find time to do some of the things I want to do - so I ended up staying up quite late last night in order to do them. This, naturally, didn't give me the best start for my day, and it was tempting to skip my devotions, let alone writing this blog.

But this morning, as I came into my office, there was a comment on my blog!  Just that little bit of feedback helped me remember that whether I know it or not, others may indeed be reading this blog and gaining something from it. However, even if no one else was being blessed by the time I take to write this blog, I am.  Just putting into words what I'm hearing from that "still small voice" in my heart, helps take the messages deeper.  Then, too, I can refer back to what I've written and remind myself of lessons I need to learn.

I needed to do that this morning. As I read the comment this morning, I realized that once again I'd been behaving like Martha - focused on my to-do list instead of the "good portion". I re-read what I had written about that story in Luke 10:38-42, and was once again reminded of the value and importance of getting my priorities straight. I wish that all I had to do was hear a lesson one time and then it would be fully incorporated into my life, but that is just not the way things work.  I can be a pretty slow learner at times. 

Today I was reading where someone likened life to one of those sliding floors like you see in airports - only it's sliding the opposite way of where we want to go.  Say I'm walking north and the floor is sliding south.  The only way I can keep from sliding backward is to keep moving forward. Standing still is just an illusion.  If I stop walking, I'm going to be sliding backward.  This is part of why it is so important for me to start each day with devotional time.  It helps me keep my priorities straight and keeps me from backsliding.

Father, thank you for being so willing to meet with me!  May I honor our time together as the vital daily spiritual bread that it is!

Vegetables vs. King's Rich and Dainty Food

Last night I watched a video that included part of our showcase dance at the statewide festival. I did indeed experience the miracle of a fear-free dance (see previous discussion here). I also believe we danced fairly well (thanks to some one-on-one time with our instructors and plenty of practice).  Several people mentioned to us how well our group did and how entertaining it was, so I believe we did indeed inspire them as I had hoped. However, as I watched the video, there was one thing that really bothered me.  It's easy to forget my weight problem if I don't see myself.  I still think of myself as the thin girl I was as a teenager.  But looking at the video, it was pretty clear how overweight I am.  I could feel pretty discouraged about it.  I finding it so hard to take off this weight!  However, rather than let it discourage me, I'm hoping it will inspire me.

So, this morning I was once again asking God for physical healing of my weight issue.  As I prayed, I started thinking about the first chapter of Daniel.  I knew Daniel and his three friends had asked for a special diet, and I wanted to see what it might tell me.  Verse 8 says that "Daniel determined in his heart that he would not defile himself by eating his portion of the king's rich and dainty food or by drinking the wine which he drank;" In verse 12 Daniel asked to be "given a vegetable diet and water to drink".  Well, the wine versus water issue is not one I need to concern myself with because I almost always drink water.  The KJV translates verse 8 by talking about the "king's meat", so as a vegetarian, I thought there was no issue from this verse about my food either.  However, the Amplified Bible shows me it isn't just talking about animal flesh, but about "rich foods." 

So, what are "rich foods"?  Looking up the meaning of the original words (using Strong's concordance) didn't add anything - it just talked about rich and dainty foods. I wasn't sure how to proceed to deepen my understanding.  I decided to put "rich food definition" in my on-line search engine.  Here are some of the definitions I found:

• If food is rich, it contains a large amount of oil, butter, eggs or cream (British English Dictionary)
• containing plenty of fat, or eggs, or sugar (Free Online Dictionary)
• rich food contains a lot of butter, cream, or eggs, which make you feel full very quickly (Longman English Dictionary)
• highly seasoned, fatty, oily, or sweet (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)
• delectably or excessively spicy or sweet and abounding in butter or cream (Definitions website)

Looking at the commonalities in these definitions, clearly a food which contains a large amount of dairy fat would be a rich food. In addition, it might also include foods that are just generally high in fat, foods that have a lot of eggs, foods that are high in sugar, and foods that are excessively spicy.  By these definitions, these are certainly foods I like to eat. 

I also looked up what the original word translated "vegetable diet" meant.  Basically, it looks like it means cultivated foods - foods for which you plant seeds.

So, as far as dietary guidelines go, this passage in Daniel seems to suggest a diet of fruits, grains, vegetables, and nuts (all cultivated from seeds) is more healthy than one that is high in fats and sugar - not a particularly unusual idea.  It sounds similar to the way I try to eat when I'm willing to actually prepare meals rather than just grab something fast. To me, it also suggests foods prepared fairly simply - not a lot of sauces & such.  Today as I plan my meals for the week, I'll try to keep these ideas in mind.  

Since I've started learning more about the importance of looking beyond the physical plane, however, I also find myself contemplating the question, What does this mean in terms of my spiritual food?  What might the "king's rich and dainty food" represent spiritually, and what spiritual food would be represented by a vegetable diet?  I'm not sure I yet have answers to these questions.  Perhaps the "rich and dainty food" would be ideas that we have somehow added to - to try to make them more palatable? The vegetable diet appears to have something to do with actually sowing seeds and letting your harvest feed you. Is this about being "doers of the word and not hearers only"? (James 1:22)  Would this mean then that the spiritual side of this has to do with what we actually DO?  Do we do as God's still small voice directs, or do we add in other activities that feed unhealthy appetites? 

Father, thank you so much for the freedom from fear that I experienced this past weekend!  I see that this dance led directly to opportunities to share your love with people we hadn't seen in awhile.  Father, please so fill me with your love that fear is totally tossed out and your plans are accomplished in and through me.  May I listen to, understand, and follow Your still small voice of guidance in my heart - this day and every day - whether it is about food or anything else.  Thank you, Father!

The Sparkle Box

Today the story I read in Guidepost's Magazine brought together things I've been thinking about lately.  As you've read my blog, you know I've been thinking about the importance of helping others and how to incorporate that more fully into my life.  What you may not know is that I have also been thinking about how to incorporate these ideas into our Christmas celebrations and replace some of the commercialism with reminders of the true meaning of Christmas.

One idea has been to replace gifts to family with gifts to charities in the name of the family member.  While I understand and support those who might like to receive this type of gift, I have mixed feelings about it.  When this type of gift is exchanged between people that really want this, it can be a real blessing. But not all understand this sort of gift. And it is also fun to surprise loved ones with something they'd particularly like for themselves (and some of my loved ones really NEED things).  So, I've continued to pray about how best to address this issue.  Unbeknownst to me, the answer was in the Dec 2012 Guidepost (that I only now had time to read.)

Essentially, the idea is this.  Each person that chooses to participate will give at least one gift to people less fortunate in some way. Every time you do this, you write it down - one gift per piece of paper - and put it anonymously in a very special wrapped box with a slit in the top.  When you open your Christmas gifts, this box is opened first - with the reminder that whatever we do for those in need we do for God.  (Matt 25:35)  Then each slip of paper is read.  Doesn't that sound inspiring? For specific ideas of how this can work, be sure to check out the full story. You can read it on-line here.

Sharing Bread

As I'm sure is clear by now, Isaiah 58 has made a real impact on me as I read it, and I continue to seek specific guidance from God on what is His will for me to do in fulfilling what he asks of me in this chapter.  The need to deal my bread to the hungry - physically and spiritually - is on my mind a great deal. 

This morning I was inspired by a story I read in Guideposts Magazine about an organization called One Acre Fund that is helping subsistence farmers in Africa double their harvests so they and their families no longer go hungry during the "hunger season" each year. It is a very moving story called Hunger of the Soul, and hit me on several levels.  One of those was the fact that I spent many of my childhood years in Africa with my missionary parents, and in many ways my heart is still there. Another was the way the author repeatedly refers to Matthew 25:35 where Jesus is speaking of the coming of the Son of Man in His glory and says, "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat  . . ." and I know this passage continues into verse 40 where it says, ". . . whatever you did for one the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."  (quotes this time from NIV)  If whatever we did for one of the least is what we did for Him, how often are we IGNORING His needs?  How can we ignore the needs of Him who gave so much for us?

And yet, it is challenging in a world where it seems everyone has their hand out, and where there is so much need AND so much corruption, to know where to direct our charity. Personally, I like the idea of the gift that keeps giving.  I often think of the adage, "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime."  It can be important to give a man a fish if he is starving, after all it's hard to do anything - including fishing - if you're hungry.  But I really want to be a part of making a difference of a lifetime - not just a day. For this reason, charities that help people learn to help themselves are of particular interest to me.

This is also the reason that sharing my daily spiritual bread is so important to me.  While helping on the physical level is important and I want to do that, I know that the spiritual plane is the one that is the most important and creates the most lasting change for the better.

Father, thank you so much for Your many blessings in my life.  Thank you that I do not know what it is to personally go hungry.  Thank you for my home, my family, and my health. Thank you for the experience of Your presence in my life - my daily bread! You do so much for me and I am so grateful.  Once again I ask that Your will be done in my use of these gifts.  Please direct me that my thoughts and feelings are brought into alignment with Your will, that Your will be done on my little section of earth this day.  Amen.

Why Do You Fast?

This morning I'm back in Isaiah chapter 58.  As I was lying in bed this morning in a sort of half-awake state, I was asking myself what was on my to-do list for today and seeking God's guidance as to the best use of my time. Suddenly Isaiah 58:4 popped into my head, along with a personal interpretation of it.  I have studied it in the past and felt I only partially understood what I needed to understand, so this felt like an answer to my prayer for increased understanding.  Here is what it says (preceded with excerpts from the previous 2 verses): "Yet they seek . . . to know my ways . . . Why have we fasted, they say, and you do not see it? . . .you fast only for strife and debate and to smite with the fist of wickedness.  Fasting as you do today will not cause your voice to be heard on high."

In the past, this is what I wrote about it in my journal:

"What does it mean to fast for strife and debate? How might I do this?  The word translated strife basically speaks of contesting something - legally or physically.  The word translated fist also speaks of grasping. 

A contest - hmmm when I see the idea of a 'fast' as abstaining from sweets (for example), if when I am doing it, I am comparing myself with those around me - telling myself that my actions in some way make me better than them, I would think this would meet the definition of fasting for strife and debate.  If I am hoping the results of my actions will put others in their place or make them jealous, or even if I am simply grasping for something to boost my pride, these could all meet the idea of smite with the fist of wickedness."

I knew I had a partial understanding, but today I began to understand this passage as God simply asking, "How are you going to use the health and energy that I would like to give you? I would be doing you a disservice if I blessed you and then you used those blessings to help yourself self-destruct!"

I am reminded of the story of Elijah as told in I Kings chapters 18 and 19.  He had just come from a fast prior to a contest on Mount Carmel designed to prove whether God was more powerful than Baal.  God answered his prayers in a very dramatic way and Elijah was so energized that he ran in front of Ahab's chariot in the pouring rain all the way to Jezreel.  Then the Queen threatened him, and he took off running for his life.  He went a day's journey into the wilderness and sat under a tree in depression wanting to die. An angel came and fed him, reviving him enough that he ran 40 more days into the wilderness.

I've heard it suggested that Elijah didn't use the energy he was given very wisely.  I don't see that the Bible specifically addresses this question, and whether or not it is true is not my business.  What DOES matter to me is how I use the energy that God has given ME.  Am I seeking God's guidance for my life and following it? Or am I simply running - exhausting myself for no good reason (possibly putting myself in a position where I'm more likely to feel depressed or become ill)? How am I going to use the blessings of health and energy that God gives me?

Father, thank you so much for the many blessings in my life!  May I use them wisely. I ask that I hear your voice clearly saying, "This is the way, walk ye in it." (Isaiah 30:21) And I ask that you work within me both to will and to do your good pleasure. (Phil 2:13)  Thank you, Father. 

Walking in the Light

Today I'm reading in I John 2.  Verses 8 and 9 have more to say about light and darkness.  John says, "I am writing you a new commandment which is true in Him and in you, because the darkness is clearing away and the true Light is already shining.  Whoever says he is in the Light and hates his brother is in darkness even until now." And again in verse 11 he says, "But he who hates his brother is in darkness and walking in the dark; he is straying and does not perceive or know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes."

So, if one of the ways we can interpret darkness and light is depression or lack thereof, hating someone can be a cause of depression.  Certainly holding onto hate will block the flow of love - which will also cut us off from feeling God's love for us.  I can see how this could exacerbate or lead to depression!  And I am grateful for the promise that the darkness is clearing away and the true Light is already shining!

These verses also speak to me of a different form of lightness and darkness - that of "seeing" or understanding.  So this is also talking about our understanding of God. Darkness is misunderstanding God and walking in the light is walking with increased understanding of Him.  To me, this still relates to depression because if we misunderstand God, we may think of Him as one who is some sort of petty tyrant watching to catch us misbehaving.  How depressing if this is really what we think of God!  Regardless, this passage reminds us that if we think we understand God, but hate someone, it is clear we do not understand Him or follow His teachings - because God IS love. (I John 4:8) 

I am so grateful for God's love, and think back to the verses from a few days ago about perfect or full maturity of love (I John 4:18).  Father, please perfect your love in me! There are still times when I am motivated by selfishness and self seeking. Please release me from these bonds of selfishness and fill me with your Spirit of Love that I may truly love my brothers and sisters (which are all those around me since you are the Father of all of us).  Thank you, Father for the work you have begun in me and the promise that you will see it to completion.  Father, are there those that I am still not loving fully? Am I still allowing fear or misunderstandings to block the flow of your love in me? Father, please cleanse me that I may be a clear channel for your love.  I am so grateful for your love - for me, and IN me!  May all those with whom I come in contact feel your love through me. Amen.

Light and Darkness

Today I've been reading in the first chapter of I John.  Verses 5 and 6 really stood out to me, "... God is Light, and there is no darkness in Him at all. So if we say we are partakers together and enjoy fellowship with Him when we live and move and are walking about in darkness, we are speaking falsely and do not live and practice the Truth."

What does this passage mean as it talks about light and darkness?  While there are likely many possibilities, what first comes to mind when I hear about walking in darkness is depression - I've been there and that's what it feels like.  But it seems pretty harsh to say that a depressed person does not really enjoy fellowship with God - and that if he says he does he doesn't live and practice the Truth! I know what it feels like to suffer serious depression.  Many years ago I experienced this.  I was crying out to God and came VERY close to committing suicide.  I know it was only through a miracle from God that I came out of it unscathed. And yet, I don't think I could really say I was enjoying fellowship with Him at the time.  I wanted to, and was earnestly seeking Him, but it does seem like one could not really be aware of being in the presence of the Light of the World and remain depressed!

Now please don't misunderstand me!  It would be easy to take this idea and use it to condemn anyone who is depressed - including ourselves if that's where we are - and say it's because they (or we) don't know God or something.  I think this would be VERY wrong.  We are told not to judge for a reason (Matt. 7:1).  When I was so depressed years ago, while I clearly wasn't consciously enjoying fellowship with God, I was earnestly seeking Him and I believe He had drawn very close.  Though I wasn't at the time "enjoying" fellowship with Him (as I wasn't ENJOYING ANYTHING at the time), unbeknownst to me I was very close to experiencing this miracle as God drew me closer to Him.

However, for today, most of the time, I do enjoy fellowship with Him.  In those times when I don't, I think these verses serve as a wake-up call that something is WRONG and I need to actively seek God's presence asking, "what Truths do I need to live and practice more fully?"  This is important to me today as I had a challenge of this sort just yesterday!  Looking back, I see that at least by afternoon, I was starting to feel out of sorts - not seriously depressed, but certainly in a bit of a funk.  That led to a poor choice when it came to food that evening.  Perhaps that could have been avoided if I'd recognized that something was wrong earlier in the day, and sought God's guidance.

I still don't really know what caused my experience yesterday, but I suspect there was residual fear that I hadn't worked through.  Perhaps when I start feeling out of sorts, instead of just trying to fight the feelings, I could be more conscious that something is wrong, that I'm not feeling the light of God's presence as I usually do.  If I did this, if I immediately paused and sought God's guidance, perhaps I would have seen that darkness chased away by God's light and wouldn't end up making poor choices like I did with food last night.

Father, I ask this day for my daily bread in a special way - that I come to a clear understanding of what I need to know from these verses for today.  What Truths do I need to live and practice more fully today? I thank you for the Light of Your Presence in my life.  May I walk in that light this day!  Thank you, Father!

What's Fear Got To Do With It?

Continuing my study of the happiness prescriptions in Matthew 5, I came to verses 10-12.  Though I hate to admit it, these verses have always scared me, and I reverted right back to reading them in the way I always have.  "You SHOULD be happy when . . . " rather than "these things will bring you happiness".  Note that the verses don't say Blessed (happy) should you be, or Blessed (happy) will you be some time in the future, they say "Blessed (happy) ARE you" (emphasis mine).  This suggests to me that if I am not happy in these circumstances, something is wrong and I need to find out what it is.

I know I've too often seen people who seem to seek out persecution - behaving in obnoxious ways which invite persecution - and then cling to these verses as their solace in their unhappiness. Clearly they are not experiencing the happiness spoken of here! But these verses are very specific about where the persecution comes from - from right-doing and from people leveling false accusations because of association with Jesus - not from going out of ones way to invite persecution (whether or not one realizes that one is doing so).

For myself, I tend to go the opposite way.  When I read these verses, I suddenly find myself afraid - afraid of doing what is right or of association with Jesus for fear of persecution.  I hate to admit to it, but there it is. Fear raising it's ugly head in my heart.  I am reminded of the verse in I John (4:18) where God promises that perfect love casts out fear.  I like the way the Amplified Bible puts it, "There is no fear in love, but full-grown love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love."  Clearly, I am in need of not only the clean heart I keep asking for (Ps 51:10), but a maturing of God's love in my heart that fear may be completely cast out.

There is so much in this one verse in I John!  I can easily see that I live with too many fears. There's the fear of persecution that brought me to this verse, but it wasn't that long ago that I was writing about fear of being hurt if I fully open my heart to people who have hurt me in the past but have seemingly changed.  As I was praying, asking that I continue to mature in love and that fear no longer have a place in my life, a thought came to me.

I have a perfect opportunity to practice allowing love to mature and cast out fear! It is coming up this weekend.  It isn't all that big a deal, but it certainly is something I've been approaching with a bit of fear.  My husband and I are scheduled to be part of a dance showcase at a state-wide festival, and I have been afraid that we'll mess up and make fools of ourselves.  The thought came, "What if I shift my focus from avoiding looking like a fool, to the enjoyment of those watching?  I've been one of those in the bleachers many times, and I know from those experiences how much those on the bleachers are rooting for the showcase dancers.  A glaring mistake makes them uncomfortable as they feel bad for the performer.  So, what if I shift my desire to do well, away from my own pride, to wanting THEIR experience to be the best it can be?

I'm reminded of the time I watched a very special couple perform a gorgeous quickstep.  I've never been so moved by a dance before. It literally brought tears to my eyes!  What if we, as a group (this dance will be performed as a group of several couples), could be that for those that are watching?

As I shift the focus of my thinking, I realize that if I mess up, I will react very differently if I am dancing through love, rather than fighting fear.  My thought will be for the watching crowd and wanting to put them at ease rather than on my own hurt pride! I will be able to laugh at my mistake (which may help them feel better about their own mistakes) rather than dwelling on the mistake and letting it embarrass me and take away the joy of the dance.

Now, I hope that I don't mess up.  I would much prefer to be an inspiration like that couple that brought tears to my eyes. But I can clearly see the difference my focus of attention can make in the way I feel about things.  So, Father, I ask that this experience be one where I experience the ability of love to cast out fear - in a very tangible way.  To be able to walk out on that floor without an iota of fear or nervousness, to be filled with love for the audience and want to inspire them to the best of my ability - to dance from this perspective would indeed be a miracle, Father, and one that I ask for as a part of maturing my love to the point where fear is totally cast out from my life.  Thank you, Father!

Suddenly, I am reminded of a pastor who is currently experiencing the truths of Matt 5:10-12, and my petty fears pale in comparison.  He is currently in prison for his relationship with Jesus.  I believe today is the day he is scheduled for trial - one that many believe will be a farce and result in a death sentence unless a miracle occurs.  I read about some of the things he's written to his family while being in prison. While admitting to fear, he's also expressed great joy and trust.  As I read his words, I couldn't help but think of this passage in Matthew, and of Paul's reaction to his own imprisonment. So, Father, as I pray for this man and his family, that you will be with them in a special way and that your will will be done in this situation, I also thank you for him with JOY in his steadfastness, hope, and faith (as you taught me to do in Phil 1:3-4). Clearly he is experiencing some of that happiness you mentioned here in Matthew.  I ask that today, in a special way, he and his family experience the depths of the happiness you speak of in these verses (Matt 5:10-12), as your will is done with regard to his situation.  Give them strength and courage as they walk through this valley of the shadow of death.  And if it be your will, may he soon be set free to return to his home and family and to serve as a living example of your love. Thank you, Father!

And I ask that you fill me with your love. Though what I am facing feels pretty insignificant compared to what this man and his family face, I know you are with me as well.  May your love so fill me that my mind is completely taken off myself as I dance this weekend, and put where it belongs. May I be so filled with love for those around me - my fellow performers and the audience - that there is no room for any bit of fear. And may the joy of our dance serve as an inspiration. Thank you, Father!

Update - What an amazing God!  I have always been a very nervous performer, and was pretty nervous at our last practice. But when we walked out facing the audience to begin our dance, I DID NOT HAVE ONE SPECK OF FEAR!!!!  What an amazing experience!  I am so grateful for this baby step in learning to let go of fear.  Father, you have shown me over and over again that you can lift me up and replace fear with joy. May I remember these lessons and continue to walk with ever maturing love that all fear may be cast out of my life!  Thank you, Father!

Happiness is . . .

Today I've been reading Jesus' prescription for happiness from Matthew chapter 5.  The prescription is in several parts - I only looked at the first few of them today.  Many of us have heard these so often that the words just kind of slide past us, so I'll be paraphrasing some of them:

•  Verse 3 - "Happy are the humble."  Too often I've rushed through this verse and focused my eye on the idea of inheriting the kingdom of heaven.  But today, realizing that Jesus was giving us a prescription for happiness, I paused and thought about this first portion of the verse.  I've been learning more about humility in recent years.  It's still not something that comes easily to me, but I'm getting better at it. I remember more often to let go of my pride and be open and teachable. This is really what I think humility is all about.  It is not about being humiliated, as some of us have thought. It is about realizing that we don't know everything, and being willing to be open to the ideas of others and acknowledging that they might be right.  I can say from experience, that when I choose to relate in this way, I AM much happier!
• Verse 4 - "Happy (even enviably so!) are those who mourn!"  This at first glance seems to be total gibberish.  How can you be happy when you're sad?????  But this morning, I realized at least two ways in which this works.  The first might be paraphrased, "Happy are you when you are open instead of trying to protect yourself from being hurt."  Too often in trying to protect myself from being hurt, I've cut myself off from people and experiences that could have brought me so much joy!  This verse suggests that self-protection is self-defeating and promises that if I AM hurt, I will be comforted.  This is a wonderful reminder for me right now as there is someone in my life that I am very tempted to go into self-protective mode around.  She has hurt me deeply several times in the past, and even though she's acting more open and caring now, I've seen in myself the fear of fully opening my heart to her because I might be hurt again.  This passage reminds me to continue to be an open channel of God's love, telling me that this is the path of happiness.   The second way of understanding this passage could be paraphrased, "Happy are those who are willing to feel their feelings."  I have seen that indeed, if I am trying to run away from painful feelings, they just stay there nagging at me. I can never seem to completely leave them behind.  But if I face them, feel them, and let God teach me through them - actively seeking His lessons for me, the pain is indeed lifted and I am not only comforted, but happy - despite any traumas I may be facing in my life!
• Verse 5 - "Happy are the patient and long-suffering."  Here's another one that I really needed to be reminded of today.  I can get really tired of being patient and long-suffering in my dealings with certain people!  God reminds me that continuing to give the soft answer brings the results I want.  It doesn't mean I have to be a door-mat, but I will not be happy if I move into angry confrontation.  If happiness is what I seek, I need to continue to allow God's love to flow through me.  The promise of inheriting the earth here, to me means that the results will be seen in the physical world.  We are not a particularly patient culture - and because of that we too often miss out on the very things we seek.  I think of my marriage.  My husband and I went through a rather difficult time at one point in our marriage - many years ago now.  It would have been so easy to give up and seek a divorce at that time!  I am so glad that we were both willing to be "long-suffering" (and yes, there certainly WAS some suffering involved!), to be patient enough to work through our difficulties. We would have missed out on so much happiness if we had given in to impatience and given up on our marriage!

I am so grateful for these prescriptions!  I needed to be reminded of some of them today.   Thank you, Father, for your continued guidance in my life.  I am so grateful for the way you spiritually feed me daily!

My To Do List - or The Good Portion

I've been having difficulty sleeping the last few nights, waking up often throughout.  Sometimes in the past this has occurred because of snacking late at night, but I haven't been doing that. This morning, as I lay awake in bed in the wee hours this morning, I started asking both God and myself why it was that I was having difficulty sleeping.  The answer came almost immediately.  I was fretting about not getting more done on my to do list.  This was immediately followed by another thought. I was behaving like Martha - too worried about all the things that I wanted to get done and not having the right priorities (see story in Luke 10:38-42).

Frankly, this story of Mary and Martha is one that I somewhat resented when I was younger.  I've had this experience too many times - busy working to fix a meal for folks who would much rather visit than help with the work, but were happy to eat the results.  I wanted to visit, too, but someone had to cook dinner!  As I've matured, I've begun to understand how often I went overboard. I could have done things more simply and thus had more time for visiting, but I wanted a fancier meal and presentation.  I told myself I was doing it because I wanted to gift my friends and loved ones with a special meal, but clearly there was selfish pride at work or I wouldn't have been resentful.  While I don't think there is anything wrong with preparing nice meals and having a lovely table to enhance the meal, my priorities were wrong.

This morning as I lay awake thinking, several things came clear to me.  One of the reasons my husband and I agreed I should retire was so that I would have more time to focus on building the relationships we both wanted - but I have sometimes felt resentful when I've gotten tied up on the phone for extended periods of time.  I want to live a long and healthy life, but I've resented the time it takes to cook healthy meals and exercise.  I want to grow closer to God and more like Jesus, and have loved the daily food for thought I've been receiving during my devotional time - but I'm sorry to say I've even found myself wishing THAT didn't take so much time out of my day!

As I re-read the story of Martha this morning, I contemplated Jesus' reply in verses 41 and 42. "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things; There is need of only one or but a few things. Mary has chosen the good portion [that which is to her advantage], which shall not be taken away from her."  I am reminded that there are few things in this life that are of real lasting importance, and I would do best to be spending the bulk of my time on these.  I have to ask myself the question, "How wise have I been in my thinking about my choices? In the grand scheme of things, what things in my day are of lasting value?"

Seen this way, my resentments suddenly disappear!  I HAVE been making the right choices, despite feeling I had little to show for my time.  Devotional time comes FIRST - as long as it takes for me to be fed (and if I can, to share that food on my blog).  Running second are those other things I do to increase my health and the health of those around me (spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically).  This includes cooking, cleaning, exercising, and building relationships.  That which appears to be more tangible (like papercrafting) is something that can too easily be taken away.

In this world it is so easy to get our priorities wrong.  We put so much importance on the material and tangible and forget how fleeting they can be.  While a focus on the intangible can make our time seem to disappear with nothing (tangible) to show for it, it is actually THAT focus on the intangible that creates results that are truly lasting and valuable!

Father, thank you for these insights and the shift in my thinking.  May I keep my eyes on you instead of my to do list!  May I allow you to guide my choices that they may be in alignment with your will and focused on things of lasting value.  I am so grateful for your patience with me and your gentle instruction.  May it be written deep in my heart so that I don't forget what you are teaching me.  Thank you, Father!

A Surprise Move

I am reminded today about a fictional story I read about a man who was a master chess player who had a wife he loved very much.  In the story, the Russian mob got to him and threatened his wife's life if he didn't throw the next big match to the Russian player by making a specific move that would create a situation where he could not win.  They demonstrated the seriousness of their intent with a variety of ploys to show that they could get to his wife whenever they wanted to - regardless of the security he employed.

This man spent days, weeks, months, working out scenarios in his head until he finally came up with a way to win the supposedly unwinable game.  He would make the move he'd been told to make, but would STILL win!

This is something like what today's reading in Ephesians sounds like. Paul is talking about how the "Gentiles are now to be heirs with the Jews, members of the same body and joint partakers sharing in the same divine promise in Christ through their acceptance of the glad tidings" (verse 6).  He speaks of it as "the mystery kept hidden through the ages and concealed until now in the mind of God Who created all things by Christ Jesus" (verse 9). He goes on to explain its purpose: "that through the church the complicated, many-sided wisdom of God in all its infinite variety and innumerable aspects might now be made known to the angelic rulers and authorities in the heavenly sphere" (verse 10). 

This sounds like the same kind of end run described in the fictional account of the chess player that I mentioned earlier.  God's seeming focus on only the Israelites (one with several notable exceptions), apparently caught even those in the heavenly realm by surprise as he unfolded this amazing plan to save ALL who would accept the "glad tidings" - not just the Jews.  What an amazing and wonderful thing!

This once again reminds me to trust God in my life in ALL things.  No matter how convoluted the path on which I am led, or how many times I fall from it, He has a plan!  It is amazing and beautiful and its purpose goes far beyond anything I can imagine.

Verse 20 expands on this as Paul says, "Now to Him Who, by the action of His power that is at work within us, us able to carry out His purpose and do superabundantly, far over and above all that we dare ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams] - to Him be glory . . ."

Father, you are so amazing!  You are so powerful and able and your plans are so perfect!  Thank you for working your plans in my life!  It is clear that any requests I may have are already known to you and your plan is FAR better than I could possibly dream up.  So Father, I once again simply ask that your will be done in my life - that you continue the work you have begun in me (Phil 1:6) and continue to work in me both to will and to do your good pleasure (Phil 2:13).  Thank you so much for your plan as demonstrated and executed by Jesus!  Thank you for not being willing to leave us to die in our sins, but instead planning this amazing way of escape!

Going Backwards????

Ephesians chapter 3 is where I was reading today.  As I read in verse 1 and again in verse 6, it struck me how big a change this would have been for the Israelites to deal with.  It wasn't that long ago I was reading about Saul's being told to destroy all of a particular group of people. The history of the Israelites included a lot of reinforcement about their being a special and chosen people, as well as a fair number of "Saul" moments where they were directed to kill a bunch of other people because they "did evil" in God's sight. Now all of a sudden, they are being expected to accept the idea that non-Jews are now a part of their elite group - a part of their family.  I can imagine what a challenge this would be!

So, what is the message for me to day?  Perhaps I also can't cling to hard and fast rules about what I should be doing - especially in my relationships. I need to be open for what feels like 180 degree changes in direction.  The picture that comes to mind is that of mountain switchbacks.  Sometimes the easiest way to go forward (especially when forward is also upward) is to make serious changes in direction - like switchbacks.

So, when I find myself being expected to make a 180 degree turn in life (as I'm seeing in a specific relationship in my life at the moment), I need to understand that I am not being asked to go backward - back to old behaviors and experiences - but that instead I may be moving upward to the next level!

Thank you, Father! I love this picture.  Please help me be more willing to accept my path in life with good grace - even when it's a 180 degree turn!  May I remember that when I feel like I'm going backwards, it may just be the time I'm actually taking a big leap upwards! Thank you, God.

Motivations

I was reading some more in the first chapter of Philippians and came across something that stood out to me.  Paul is talking about his imprisonment and belief that it serves only to advance the spreading of the Good News. He tells the Philippians that his imprisonment has actually served to embolden others to speak and publish God's Word fearlessly.  Then he says something which surprised me.  In verse 15 he said that some of these who had been embolden to share God's Word were actually doing so out of envy and rivalry.  That seems odd.  The indication was not that they were preaching falsehoods - which I could understand out of a rival - but that they were speaking truth.  How would his imprisonment increase their boldness if they were motivated by envy and rivalry?  Were they really wanting to be imprisoned too? That seems pretty odd.

Reading farther, I got at least a partial answer to my question. Paul says in verse 17 that these rivals believed that their increased preaching would make Paul's bondage more bitter and his chains more galling.  That certainly is poor motivation for sharing the gospel!  In verse 18, he makes it more plain - "whether in pretense [for personal ends] or in all honesty [for the furtherance of the Truth]". So, perhaps this was some kind of power trip for these rivals - that they get more converts than Paul or something.  Well, it's an interesting story, but doesn't really matter unless I apply it to my own life.

So, where do I do this?  Where do I do the right thing for the wrong reasons?  Where am I motivated by personal ends rather than furtherance of the Truth?  I realize that one place I do this is with regard to my eating.  I wish my desire to eat in a healthy way was entirely motivated by a desire to put God first in my life and live in alignment with his will so that my life could be an example of God's power to free us from the bondage of appetite. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Far too often my motivation is for personal ends - I want to look good (which could have rivalry aspects), and I want to feel good and have a healthier body, and I want to be able to dance well (which could also have some rivalry aspects).  Only partially am I motivated by the knowledge that I don't want to make a god out of my eating, but want to put God first in my life.

The temptation to make poor food choices tries to convince me that I shouldn't bother until my motivation is pure!  But I take Paul's words in verse 18 to heart - "what does it matter, so long as either way . . . Christ is being proclaimed?"  I don't think he really means to imply that motivation doesn't matter.  But perhaps that if I do the right thing, despite mixed motivation, the right motivation will follow? I know that even when my motivations aren't pure, eating correctly increases my clarity and understanding. The better clarity I have, the more my continued pursuit of God's will is likely to purify my motivations.

So, for today, I thank God for the miracles he's performed in my life - the scales were down 5 pounds this morning! and relationships continue to be healed - thank you, God!  I thank Him for my daily bread - the encouragement that I don't have to have perfect motivations for good to come of my actions, and the reminder from verse 6 that "He who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ, developing and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you". Father, thank you so much for your encouragement and your love and your continued work in my life to purify me and create in me that clean heart and right spirit (Ps 51:10) that I so desire. Thank you, Father!  

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you!

Today I've been reading in Philippians chapter 1.  This is a thank you letter written by Paul to the Philippians, thanking them for their support.  It's made me think about my own life, including my thank you letters and my prayer life.

Verses 3 and 4 state, "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you. In every prayer of mine I always make my entreaty and petition for you with all joy (delight)."   I can look at these verses from two different perspectives. First, am I living my life such that those around me could say this about me? Can they remember me with all joy? Second, am I upholding and encouraging those around me in a similar way?  What do my thank you letters look like?  Can I write them in such a way that I encourage and strengthen the faith of those who receive them? And am I praying for them with all joy and delight?

For some time now, in my prayer life I've recognized the importance of thanking God for His gifts to me and His love for me, rather than just praying "wish list" prayers (though I can forget even this). But what about my prayers for others?  I realize that mostly my prayers for others have just been a general "God bless so and so" or prayers for specific needs of which I am aware.  Seldom have I been thanking God in remembrances of others or petitioning for them with all joy and delight. It's about time I start!

Father, I am so grateful for your love for me and your gentle leading in my life.  Thank you for recent miracles with regard to freedom from overeating and willingness to make healthy food choices, and for your continued work in my life in this regard. And I'm SO grateful for the people who have shared their lives with me. I thank you for the work you are doing in their lives and the miracles we are seeing. You know each one that I am thinking of in this moment.  I gratefully ask your continued healing for them - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  As verses 9-11 state, may their love abound more and more, extending to its fullest development in knowledge and all keen insight. May they sense what is vital and prize what is excellent and of real value and may they be untainted and pure and abound in and be filled with the fruits of righteousness. (And me too, Father! May this be true in me as well.) Thank you, Father for my friends and family and your continued work in my life and theirs! Amen.

Utterly Destroy All

This morning I was reading in I Samuel 15.  This is one of those passages I have avoided in the past because I don't deal well with bloodshed and this one seemed so bloodthirsty.  It has been difficult for me to reconcile the loving God that I know insisting that someone commit genocide!  Not knowing how to deal with such a concept, I've had to simply put these types of stories on the shelf in the back of my mind, asking for understanding, and trusting God's superior wisdom until such understanding is given. Today I finally got an inkling of understanding.

First though, I want to contrast this story about King Saul with that of yesterday's story about King David.  Yesterday I talked about David's honest repentance, his willingness to humble himself before others, and the way he acknowledged that God was right and just.  This story is MUCH different. Saul was more like the types of politicians I've seen most often.  First he claimed to have done everything as God had asked.  When it became clear that Samuel knew that instead of destroying everything and everyone as God had directed, he had saved the king and the best of the spoils, Saul blamed those around him and tried a bit of bribery (saying that the best of the spoils, instead of being destroyed, had been brought to sacrifice to God - of course the priests would profit from that).  Only when threatened with the loss of his position as king did he admit his fault - but he STILL cast blame, blaming his fear of the people! The contrast of these two stories teach a valuable lesson in the importance of humility and honesty.  David did not cast blame.  He admitted his guilt, took his punishment like a man, and begged God for forgiveness and cleansing.  When caught in a mistake, how do I react????  Am I more like Saul, or more like David?

But back to the bloodthirsty nature of this story.  If I read this simply as a historical story, it is pretty horrifying and portrays God so much differently than I've come to understand Him that it is hard to deal with.  But this morning I suddenly realized this story is about ME! It is a story about the importance of being thorough when following God's direction. Verse 9 in the Amplified Bible says, "Saul and the people spared Agag and the best of the sheep, oxen, fatlings, lambs, and all that was good, and would not utterly destroy them; but all that was undesirable or worthless they destroyed utterly."  When God asks me to do something in my life, how thorough am I?  When I am asked to destroy a way of behaving that is not in alignment with his will, how thorough am I? Unfortunately, it is far too easy for me to talk myself into just destroying that which I don't care about, but holding tight to one or two things I particularly desire.  Am I only willing to let go of those things which appear undesirable or worthless?  What is God calling me to utterly destroy today?  A habit of eating things that are not good for me? A continuation of selfish behaviors here and there? A willingness to put my own desires not only above that of others, but above that of God Himself?  Clearly when it comes to behaviors that are out of alignment with God's will, only complete "genocide" will bring the results I seek.

Father, once again I seek your cleansing at depth. May I be willing to live completely by your will, completely letting go of and destroying those things you wish to see destroyed in me.  May I be willing to own up to my failings and seek your forgiveness, cleansing, and strength, instead of making excuses. I ask that as you have begun this work in me, you will see it to completion as promised (Phil 1:6). Thank you, Father!

A Clean Heart

Today I've been reading once again in Psalms 51.  As it says at the beginning of this chapter, it is a "Psalm of David: when Nathan the prophet came to him after he had sinned with Bathsheba."

This chapter has SO much meaning for me.  When I am feeling discouraged because I have not made the choices I wish I had made, David's experience and his words in this Psalm bring hope.

In this day and age when so many of the people in power seem to believe that their positions allow them to behave in unseemly ways - and when they are caught, they deny everything - this story is shocking.  King David has committed a horrible crime (having sex with a woman he knows is married and getting her pregnant, trying to get her husband to come home from the army so he can sleep with his wife and thus hide this situation, then when the husband feels it would be shirking his responsibilities to return home and spend time with his wife when others can't, he orders him placed in battle in such a way that he will be killed so that David can marry her). When confronted by Nathan the prophet about his sins, he admits them and writes this psalm. I can't imagine such a public confession from our public officials - nor one as clearly contrite.  I am so grateful, though. It is such a blessing to me!  Would I be willing to be this open in dealing with my own mistakes if it would be helpful to others? Father, I once again ask for the willingness to do your will - whatever that may be!

In the first several verses of this chapter, David cries out for cleansing from sin.  Verse 4 really speaks to me.  Nathan has told David that the child he had with Bathsheba would die because of David's sin.  I'm afraid I would have, at the very least, started arguing with God about such a punishment. After all, the child did nothing to deserve such a fate!  And truthfully, my human mind doesn't really understand God's judgment in this matter.  However, David fully accepts God's judgment. Clearly burdened by guilt he seeks forgiveness and cleansing at the deepest levels of his heart.  Then in verse 4 he says, "Against You, You only, have I sinned and done that which is evil in Your sight, so that You are justified in Your sentence and faultless in Your judgment."  At first read, this is a shocking statement.  Surely David realizes the great sin he committed against Bathsheba and against her husband - and the terrible example of abuse of power that he's set for his people!  But David understands a core truth.  Any time we make choices that take us out of alignment with God's will, we are worshiping the created (ourselves and our wills) rather than the Creator. This is serious indeed.

This morning I am dealing with the fact that I overate yesterday and woke up feeling yucky because of it. It is tempting to believe that this is just something that hurts me - that I am the only one my gluttony affects. Sometimes I can also see that I may have set a bad example for those around me.  But, only when I realize the sin I have committed against God (placing my will above His) do I really understand the seriousness of my actions.  It's in the list of the 7 deadly sins for a reason. It's very hard to overcome and as long as I'm overindulging, I'm not putting God first in my life.

So, like David, I find myself praying, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me. Cast me not away from Your presence and take not Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit." (verses 10-12)  I love this passage in the Amplified Bible!  What King James translates as "renew a right spirit within me" actually includes aspects of steadfastness and perseverance - clearly something I need and hadn't really thought about.  This passage also helps me understand the seriousness of my gluttony.  By continually indulging myself, I dull that still small voice of the Holy Spirit within me.  Father, forgive me! Please cleanse me! "Wash me thoroughly . . . and make me wholly pure from my sin!" (verse 2)   Clearly I need that willing spirit spoken of in verse 12, and I long for the joy that salvation from this will bring.

David goes on to say that God doesn't delight in sacrifice, or he (David) would bring it.  Then he says, "My sacrifice to God is a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, such, O God, You will not despise." (verse 17)  I feel so upset about having made poor food choices once again. I KNOW this cannot change unless God changes me at depth - gives me that clean heart and right spirit.  This verse gives me hope.  My sorrow for my actions, my feelings of mortification and demoralization are exactly what is needed for the miracle to occur!  This is my sacrifice to God, and God will not despise it!  Thank you, Father.

As David did, I beg You, my Father, to create in me a clean heart and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me.  May I ever more feel Your presence and the voice of your sweet Spirit guiding my life. May I be upheld with a willing spirit and continue to experience the joy that comes from letting you lead in my life. Thank you, Father! Thank you so much for your leading in my life. Thank you for the miracles I've experienced, and the ones you continue to work in my life for my healing!

What fast?

I seem to continually be directed to Isaiah chapter 58.  It feels like I am just scratching the surface in understanding this passage, but the promises contained here are SO wonderful that I have to keep seeking to understand what my part in claiming these promises is.

The Promises:

• "Then shall your light break forth like the morning" (v 8)- when I think of darkness I think of depression, sorrow and confusion - this sounds like freedom from these things.
• "and your healing shall spring forth speedily" (v8)- I need healing on so many levels!  On the physical plane there are things related to my body that need to be healed (like excess weight and decreased immunity), and there are things related to my surroundings that need to be healed (like clutter to be dealt with). On the emotional plane, there is a broken heart to heal and a need for increased capacity for forgiveness and love.  On the mental plane I need healing from negative thinking. And on the spiritual plane I need much healing - selfishness and self-will too often rear their ugly heads in my life.
• "your righteousness (your rightness, your justice, and your right relationship with God) shall go before you," (v8) - Oh, to consistently live in righteousness - in right relationship with God, living right actions!
• "the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard" (v8) - I'll admit I still don't really understand this part, except that the thought of God protecting me from sneak attacks from behind is very appealing.
• "Then shall you call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and He will say, Here I am." (v9) - Wow! That is what I am seeking. I want to clearly hear and understand God's answers when I seek His guidance!
• "then shall your light rise in darkness, and your obscurity and gloom become like the noonday" (v10) - This again sounds like freedom from depression, sorrow, and confusion.  That is TRUE freedom!
• "And the Lord shall guide you continually" (v11) - This is my desire.  To ALWAYS see God's guidance in my life.
• "and satisfy you in drought and in dry places" (v11) - I sometimes feel like I'm in a spiritual drought.  This is such a great promise for those times!
• "and make strong your bones" (v11) - This sounds like a great promise on TWO levels.  First, the physical - I have experienced a fractured bone in my foot and want to know that my bones are strong and will not fracture again!  Secondly, I think of "backbone".  Figuratively, making my backbone strong would be to strengthen my resolve and ability to withstand pressure when it comes to issues of a spiritual, mental, and/or emotional nature.  This, too, would be a very great blessing.
• "And you shall be like a watered garden and like a spring of water whose waters fail not."  (v11) - There's a song that comes to mind that says, "Let the beauty of Jesus be seen in me".  I want to be so filled with God's love that that beauty is indeed seen in me. To me this promise speaks of ALWAYS being nourished spiritually - of never being spiritually thirsty, but abundantly nourished!  How I want that experience - not just sometimes, but ALWAYS.
• "And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt" (v12) - This is clearly another promise, though I'm not sure I really understand it yet.  It suggests to me that if there are places in my life where I feel good things have been ruined, torn down, and/or broken, they will be rebuilt.  One of the places I long to see this is in my relationship with my daughter.  At times I see pieces of this occurring, but I want to see it completely rebuilt.
• "you shall raise up the foundations of many generations" (v12) - While I'm not yet seeing specific application of this in my life, it suggests to me that places where "the sins of the fathers" have been visited for generations, there can be restoration and healing. Perhaps one of these places is the tendency to overeat.  Looking back in my family history, I see that my challenges with gluttony have not arisen in isolation.  I can trace them back several generations.  If this is one of those foundations that will be restored, this is a wonderful promise indeed!
• "and you shall be called Repairer of the Breach, Restorer of Streets to Dwell in" (v12) - I really want the breach between my daughter and me to be healed, and if I could be the one to work those repairs that would be wonderful!  Even more importantly is repairing the breach between our Heavenly Father and His sons and daughters (which is, of course, the only lasting way to repair any other breaches). This truly is work I want to do!
• "Then will you delight yourself in the Lord," (v14) - Sounds like that completely repaired breach to me!
• "and I will make you to ride on the high places of the earth" (v14) - Hmmm, not so sure about this one.  While I would like an increase in my ability to see (which this perspective would certainly bring), I don't relish the way I would be more visible to others.  This is, in fact, one of my stumbling blocks and why I at times rebel against God's will.  He wants me to be that city that is set on a hill, while I'd too often prefer to hide under a bushel.  I've seen how often increased visibility on my part simply means more people can see me to attack me.  Father, please remove my fear, and work in me both to will and to do of your good pleasure! I KNOW that regardless of any fears I might have, your way will bring me the greatest happiness if I will just relax and let you lead!
• "and I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father" (v 14) - this is clearly another promise, though once again I'm not sure I fully realize the implications.  I DO know that God clearly guided Jacob in his life, and I seek that guidance in my own. 

The promises I've outlined here are SO important for my life! I keep being directed back to this chapter for information about how to ready myself that I might receive them in my life.

One of the things I keep seeing is the importance of letting go of the outer trappings of living a good life and letting God change me at depth.  So often I hear myself figuratively saying, "Why have I fasted and you do not see it?" (v 3).  I do specific things (my form of "fasting") thinking they will somehow bring me the healing I seek, and I find myself still stuck in patterns that keep me in bondage.  What is wrong?

Patiently, God reminds me yet again, "on the day of your fast you find profit in your business"   What is my motivation????  If I am taking actions to make myself look good in others eyes (or in God's - how foolish!), if my actions are motivated from thoughts of self rather than rooted in love and in God's will, those actions will not bring me into the place where I can accept the blessings promised. This chapter reminds me that I need to be thinking of and sharing with others (both materially and spiritually) and I need to keep my focus on living for God's pleasure rather than my own. 

Father, please continue to work in me both to will and to do of your good pleasure.  Thank you, God!