Healed & Happy

I've spent the last several days pondering the story of Hannah. Clearly she had a caring husband, who noticed how sad she was and that she wasn't eating.  He tried to cheer her up, but no amount of attention on his part could have taken away the pain she was facing. To want a child so badly, watch a rival have child after child, and then be harassed about not being able to conceive would have been so hard.  And then to make matters worse, as she was praying to God with all the pain and longing of her heart, the priest accused her of being drunk!  

One of the things that stood out to me was that when her prayer ended and she was done talking to Eli, she went her way and "ate and her face was no longer sad". (1 Sam 1:18 NASV).  It reminded me of Psalms 40:4 that says "Happy is the person who trusts in the Lord" (NCV).  When we truly believe our prayers have been answered, our behavior will change - even before any outward sign of the miracle has shown up.

And yet, God whispers to me that this is not an act.  This is not us simply saying, okay God, I'm going to trust you and "act as if".  Sometimes when we do that, we're actually in the state described in 2 Tim 3:5 - "Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof" (KJV).  I find myself comparing Hannah's story with a couple of others:

• Jacob wrestling with God and saying, “I won’t let you go, unless you bless me.”  
• Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane saying, "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me" and later "O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done."

The picture I see here, is one of praying until we CLEARLY receive an answer.  This isn't just a quick prayer and an "okay I'll trust you, God".  This is praying until we KNOW the answer is on its way (whether it's what we wanted or not!) and we can face the situation, filled with God's power.  Jesus spent hours praying about the situation He was facing.  How can we think we can get away with less?  

Father, I want this experience with the challenge I am facing right now.  I want to pray until I KNOW healing has occurred!  But I really don't know how to do that.  Once I've discussed the situation with you, what more is there to say?  I know you love me and want this healing for me.  What is it that takes it from "want" to "happening now"?  What is it that must occur so that you can fill me with your power?  

In the past, I've struggled with the concept of persevering in prayer.  I know even Jesus taught that it was something we needed to do in the parable about the widow and the judge:

"And he spake a parable unto them to this end, that men ought always to pray, and not to faint; Saying, There was in a city a judge, which feared not God, neither regarded man: And there was a widow in that city; and she came unto him, saying, Avenge me of mine adversary. And he would not for a while: but afterward he said within himself, Though I fear not God, nor regard man;Yet because this widow troubleth me, I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me. And the Lord said, Hear what the unjust judge saith. And shall not God avenge his own elect, which cry day and night unto him, though he bear long with them? I tell you that he will avenge them speedily. Nevertheless when the Son of man cometh, shall he find faith on the earth? (Luke 18:1-8, KJV)

I've found this concept hard to understand.  If we keep badgering God about something, isn't that the same as not trusting Him? But the picture that is emerging is about praying about something until we receive an answer and a sense of peace about the situation.  As long as we are struggling within ourselves about the situation, we are NOT there yet!  We need to "badger" God until we are!  

I think of a story I've read recently about a woman who was quite ill for YEARS. She sought God about it all that time, and only after many years did she experience full healing.  I suspect the story of Hannah represents something similar.  Though the story here in first Samuel doesn't specify, I suspect that this was not the first time Hannah was distressed about her barrenness and prayed about it.  Clearly part of the answer is that the time was not right until this point.  So I'm once again back to the question.  Don't we need to trust God that He will bring about the healing when the time is right?  How does that jibe with continuing to badger Him about something? 

Father, I really want to understand this.  I KNOW it is an important piece for experiencing your power more fully in my life. Father, how do I get there?  It's like I can see the destination, but there is some sort of invisible wall preventing me from reaching it.  What needs to change, Father?  I want the healing and I know you want me to have it.  What needs to change?

As I write these words, I hear my Father's still small voice in my heart saying, "Really?  Do you REALLY want the healing?"  And I realize that is the issue.  I am still wavering about it.  James 1:6 says "But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering." But I realize I am indeed wavering.  I want the healing, but I don't want to make changes I know I need to make for it to occur.  I want the healing, but I'm afraid of changes in how people will relate to me when it occurs.  I'm of two minds about it.  I want healing now - but I'm not sure I do!  I'm in the exact boat that James was talking about, and of course I can't receive healing when I'm not even sure I want it!  Is this then the reason for continued prayer about something - for "badgering" God?  Is it that we need to continue to pray about a situation until all parts of ourselves line up in agreement about it?  In Matthew 18:19, Jesus promised that if two of us agree about anything we ask God for, it will be done.  But here I am, and I can't even get the one of me to agree! :)

Father, I DO want this healing!  I've tasted bits and pieces of it here and there, but I want the whole thing!  I want to be COMPLETELY healed - including a healing within about the way I think about it.  I want to be TOTALLY willing to make any change necessary, and I want to eagerly embrace your healing, regardless of what others around me might think, say, or do.  Father, I ask for willingness to change, for a clear understanding of the changes that must occur, and for the power to make those changes.  And I ask for your love to fill me and cast out any fear that I have associated with thoughts of healing.  And I intend to continue to ask for these things until all parts of me that are not in agreement have been brought to light and healed so that the full healing I seek can occur.  Thank you, Father, for your continued work in my life and for the promise that the work you have begun in me will be seen to completion!  I love you, Father!