Last night I came home from an engagement where I was NOT happy with my performance. I tried to just let it go, but old perfectionist tendencies were out in full force. Instead of remembering how I had prayed for God's will to be done and how He had supported me throughout the day as I prepared; instead of trusting that my prayer had been answered and things went just as He would have had them go, I turned to my old companion - food - to sooth me. Afterwards, as I lay there in bed, realizing what I had done, I felt really bad. Turning to my Father in apology, I prayed to be free of such tendencies.
This morning, I awoke with Psalms 1:1-3 in my mind:
Happy is the one who does not . . . sit in the seat of scoffers. Instead she delights in God's law and meditates on it continually. She will be like a tree firmly planted and fed by streams of water, producing fruit in the proper season, and filled with vibrant life. Whatever she does prospers and produces maturity. (my paraphrase)
I realized that I had indeed sat in the seat of scoffers last night - scoffing at myself and my performance (and indirectly at God because of my lack of trust!). No wonder it didn't feel very good!
The antidote is clear - delight in God's law and meditate on it continually. But I found myself struggling a bit with this counsel. I have never wanted to be a lawyer. Spending a lot of energy on analyzing law - even God's - didn't sound like much fun. And besides that, God has clearly been leading me away from a more legalistic point of view into a more compassionate one.
Even as I thought those thoughts, a passage popped into my mind. This passage is one that is repeated several times throughout the Bible - one of which is Mark 12:30-31. In this instance, Jesus had been approached by an "expert" in the law and asked this question - "What commandment is the most important?". Jesus' answer was, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. And the second most important is similar. Love your neighbor as yourself."
Wow! That is indeed a law worth meditating on. I can see how much better things would have gone last night if I had been FULLY doing so. If LOVE had been my WHOLE focus, instead of also having that part that was beating myself up, I'd have ONLY seen what God would have me do to share His love with those around me, and I'd have been as compassionate with myself about my mistakes as I would have been with anyone else. There's a song that says, "All you need is love". This passage makes clear how true that sentiment is!
When I was finished with this page, it felt a bit cluttered and I was tempted to wish it otherwise, but I realized that what the clutter did was keep forcing my eye back to the focal point - the law of love. How appropriate!
Father, thank you for your patience with me! Thank you for your continued work in my life to bring me to better understand the way you would have me live. Thank you for your forgiveness for having fallen short of the mark last night, and for your guidance back onto the path you would have me walk. I love you, Father!
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As usual, a discussion of how I created the page is on my papercrafting blog.
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This blog is simply a sharing of my "daily bread" - my daily walk with God. If something I've said has touched your heart, or sparked a new thought, I'd love to hear from you.